The Journey to a Complete Family
Adoption. The reasons for adopting are as varied as the people who adopt and the babies/children who are available for adoption. For us there was never a choice to have our own child, after discovering a large abdominal mass that had to be removed right away, the decision was made for us. Sure, the doctors gave us all the scenarios but always followed it up with you’re too young; the likelihood that it’s CANCER is so small. Not small enough. While I was in la-la land at the young age of thirty-two, my chances of having my own biological baby was taken away from me.
How depressing you’re probably saying. Well, this part of the story has a happy ending. The large abdominal mass? Ovarian cancer, stage one grade one, no radiation or chemo needed. During my six weeks out of work I started to research and absorb everything I could about adoption. First however, I decided we needed a house of our own, our townhouse was just not big enough to start a family. So, two days before I returned to work our offer was accepted and we were now the proud owners of a nice big house with plenty of room for kids. Home ownership came with an added bonus for us, the equity loan you can take out in a year to pay for the costs associated with adopting your little bundle of joy. I know, I know, buying a baby is illegal but I also know that no one is going to walk up to my husband and I and say, “You look like you’d make great parents, here have a baby.” Yes, there are fees to adoption, and if you want an infant they can be pretty hefty fees but for us it’s worth the price. The agency we work with does not ask for the majority of the money upfront. There is the cost of our home study and registration with the agency but really a drop in the bucket compared to the $20,000 plus we’ll spend by the time our placement is complete.
I have never been one of those women who thought, “I just have to experience the wonderment of being pregnant and giving birth.” I used to argue with my cousin about natural childbirth. She would say, “You should do it naturally. Experience the miracle.” Was she kidding? Knock me out and wake me when the baby’s ready to go home. That is the way childbirth always played out in my head. For as long as I can remember, I would have dreams where I was going about my daily life and out of nowhere I would hear a baby cry or I’d just look down and there was a baby in my arms, I just knew that this was my child. I’ve never had dreams of giving birth to a child or feeling pregnant. A friend at work once said that it was because you dream what you know. To that I respond, “How many times did you actually walk down the school hall naked, without your locker combo?” No, I choose to believe it is some divine act that will place this child in my life.
Jump to almost a year later and we are still waiting for our divine placement. We have been working with an agency in the Buffalo area, Adoption STAR and are really pleased with the work they are doing on our behalf. We looked at international adoption but, like most two income families, neither my husband nor I could afford to spend weeks in a foreign country. I have had to work holidays, bank my personal time, and haven’t been on vacation in over a year just so that I can have six weeks at home to care for our baby. Unlike women who give birth, there is no disability leave for adoptive parents, and very few companies offer any sort of paid leave to their employees who are adopting. But…I digress and this topic could spin a completely different article, which as my husband will tell you, “Don’t get her started.”
The process is fairly simple, all that “Lifetime” movie drama does exist but it is not the norm. We’ve filled out tons of paperwork, been fingerprinted by both the State and Feds, background checks of everywhere we have lived in the country, and answered intimate questions about our child rearing philosophies, our own upbringing and not to mention the home visits. I’ve come to the conclusion that biological parents should have to go through just half of what we’ve had to, to prove we would be good parents. It is all worth it because in the end we will have a child to raise, to teach the value of being a good human being, to spoil, and most of all to love. Our adoption process will be an open one, which means our child will know where he or she came from. It means the child will know his or her birth mother and know the sacrifice she made to give her child a better life because of the love she had for him/her. Open adoption does not mean co-parenting with the birth parents. We will be the parents; we will be the ones to praise and discipline. We’re told in classes that the relationship of a birth mother is often similar to that of an aunt. To love and support but not to take the role of a parent. Another reason why we knew international adoption wasn’t for us, I couldn’t imagine some day my child asking me about their birth mother and saying to them, “I don’t know.”
As I said we’ve been waiting a year, which is to say it’s been a year of many ups and downs. On November 13, 2007 we received a call from our agency saying they wanted to profile us for a potential birth mother in New Jersey, who was due November 30th. They gave us all her particulars, good health for mom and baby (a little boy). Less than a week later, Monday the 19th, I got a call at work that the birth mom had chosen us. I instantly knew what it was like to go into labor and not have your spouse around. Bob travels during the week and the 20 minutes that it took for him to get back to me seemed like 20 hours. I couldn’t breathe, I was crying, I called my mom who was home from work; I frantically called my co-worker Ronnie into my office. It was the most amazing day of my life. Fast-forward a couple of days to Thursday, November 22nd, Thanksgiving Day. Bob and I have a huge brood over for dinner, Bob has been cooking all day and we have decided today is the day to open that bottle of Dom Pérignon we’ve been saving and toast to our son. We also decide to share the name we’ve chosen. Bob graciously tries to give his toast and gets choked up on more than one occasion, which for me is a good sign because through most of this he’s been fairly stoic. I have come to learn this is truly a male thing and his feelings will more than change I guess I just didn’t realize how quickly.
Friday, the 23rd Bob, my “number crunching” husband decided to have a little freak out session about how expensive this all really was. He knew, but because I was always the proactive one, reading everything I could get my hands on and spoon feeding him the information. Now he was thrust into parent mode and the nurturing genes kicked in, now all he could think of was financially supporting this child. I’ve also learned through this process that this is not just associated with adoption but pretty much any man about to become a father. Luckily, this was only a 24-hour freak out. He was back on board and I was all set to go on a shopping spree with my mom and aunt to get a few more of the basics. We were looking at having to possibly spend up to two-weeks in NJ, so getting the play yard; car seat and stroller were a must. Monday morning, we headed to the bank to get our certified check so we could drive out to Buffalo and sign the paperwork with our agency. All of that needed to be in order before we could travel to NJ when we got the call. Just my luck I got the swing teller at the bank and she had never processed a certified check before…I told her it was okay, to take her time because this was the most important certified check she would ever process. By the time she was done the whole bank was rooting for our adoption. Bob had stayed in the truck and just as I came out with the check his cell phone rang and it was our agency. The birth mother had gone into labor over the weekend but had failed to let her agency know, in these cases it usually meant she was wavering on her decision. Sue, our caseworker told us to hang tight and they would get back to us with a final decision later in the afternoon. I called work, told them I wouldn’t be going to Buffalo but also wouldn’t be coming into work either. Bob and I drove to Steve’s Place for breakfast, I think it’s the most sober I’ve ever been while eating there. I’m amazed we ate at all. We didn’t say much to each other over our breakfast or our drive home or the three hours we waited for the phone to ring. It did eventually ring and the news was what we had expected, the birth mother had decided to parent. What came next was probably the most surprising. There were no tears, no ravings of a mad woman it was just a matter of fact, this baby was not ours, it was not meant to be. We actually handled it better than our friends and family. My mother-in-law couldn’t call us for two days because every time she picked up the phone she’d start to cry. Co-workers didn’t know what to say and friends couldn’t say enough. I belong to an online chat group for waiting and adoptive parents through our agency. This group has been my true rock, they’ve all been there and they know what we’re going through. I can say what ever is in my heart and they don’t judge. The one thing that every single adoptive parent will tell you is when you see your child, you’ll know and you’ll immediately understand why that other child was not meant to be.
We’ve moved on since then, we’ve been profiled twenty-two times, in seven different states for women who were single and married, teenagers and older. We were even profiled for twins. Each time the phone rings and it’s our agency calling I think this is the call, this one will yield our baby…so far it hasn’t but we also haven’t given up. We go about our daily routine, I’ve just taken my first vacation in over a year and Bob still hits the road each week to bring home a paycheck. I’ve hand painted jungle animals on the nursery walls and the furniture is all in place. Friends of ours just had their first son, Rory in February and I’m trying not to spoil him too much. I’ve kept myself minimally involved with Glens Falls Community Theatre and I work hard to stay ahead of things on the job. There are days we don’t discuss adoption at all and there are nights we go to bed praying that tomorrow will bring our baby home. It is a long and daunting process but I wouldn’t change any part of the journey we’ve been on to complete our family.
Adoption. The reasons for adopting are as varied as the people who adopt and the babies/children who are available for adoption. For us there was never a choice to have our own child, after discovering a large abdominal mass that had to be removed right away, the decision was made for us. Sure, the doctors gave us all the scenarios but always followed it up with you’re too young; the likelihood that it’s CANCER is so small. Not small enough. While I was in la-la land at the young age of thirty-two, my chances of having my own biological baby was taken away from me.
How depressing you’re probably saying. Well, this part of the story has a happy ending. The large abdominal mass? Ovarian cancer, stage one grade one, no radiation or chemo needed. During my six weeks out of work I started to research and absorb everything I could about adoption. First however, I decided we needed a house of our own, our townhouse was just not big enough to start a family. So, two days before I returned to work our offer was accepted and we were now the proud owners of a nice big house with plenty of room for kids. Home ownership came with an added bonus for us, the equity loan you can take out in a year to pay for the costs associated with adopting your little bundle of joy. I know, I know, buying a baby is illegal but I also know that no one is going to walk up to my husband and I and say, “You look like you’d make great parents, here have a baby.” Yes, there are fees to adoption, and if you want an infant they can be pretty hefty fees but for us it’s worth the price. The agency we work with does not ask for the majority of the money upfront. There is the cost of our home study and registration with the agency but really a drop in the bucket compared to the $20,000 plus we’ll spend by the time our placement is complete.
I have never been one of those women who thought, “I just have to experience the wonderment of being pregnant and giving birth.” I used to argue with my cousin about natural childbirth. She would say, “You should do it naturally. Experience the miracle.” Was she kidding? Knock me out and wake me when the baby’s ready to go home. That is the way childbirth always played out in my head. For as long as I can remember, I would have dreams where I was going about my daily life and out of nowhere I would hear a baby cry or I’d just look down and there was a baby in my arms, I just knew that this was my child. I’ve never had dreams of giving birth to a child or feeling pregnant. A friend at work once said that it was because you dream what you know. To that I respond, “How many times did you actually walk down the school hall naked, without your locker combo?” No, I choose to believe it is some divine act that will place this child in my life.
Jump to almost a year later and we are still waiting for our divine placement. We have been working with an agency in the Buffalo area, Adoption STAR and are really pleased with the work they are doing on our behalf. We looked at international adoption but, like most two income families, neither my husband nor I could afford to spend weeks in a foreign country. I have had to work holidays, bank my personal time, and haven’t been on vacation in over a year just so that I can have six weeks at home to care for our baby. Unlike women who give birth, there is no disability leave for adoptive parents, and very few companies offer any sort of paid leave to their employees who are adopting. But…I digress and this topic could spin a completely different article, which as my husband will tell you, “Don’t get her started.”
The process is fairly simple, all that “Lifetime” movie drama does exist but it is not the norm. We’ve filled out tons of paperwork, been fingerprinted by both the State and Feds, background checks of everywhere we have lived in the country, and answered intimate questions about our child rearing philosophies, our own upbringing and not to mention the home visits. I’ve come to the conclusion that biological parents should have to go through just half of what we’ve had to, to prove we would be good parents. It is all worth it because in the end we will have a child to raise, to teach the value of being a good human being, to spoil, and most of all to love. Our adoption process will be an open one, which means our child will know where he or she came from. It means the child will know his or her birth mother and know the sacrifice she made to give her child a better life because of the love she had for him/her. Open adoption does not mean co-parenting with the birth parents. We will be the parents; we will be the ones to praise and discipline. We’re told in classes that the relationship of a birth mother is often similar to that of an aunt. To love and support but not to take the role of a parent. Another reason why we knew international adoption wasn’t for us, I couldn’t imagine some day my child asking me about their birth mother and saying to them, “I don’t know.”
As I said we’ve been waiting a year, which is to say it’s been a year of many ups and downs. On November 13, 2007 we received a call from our agency saying they wanted to profile us for a potential birth mother in New Jersey, who was due November 30th. They gave us all her particulars, good health for mom and baby (a little boy). Less than a week later, Monday the 19th, I got a call at work that the birth mom had chosen us. I instantly knew what it was like to go into labor and not have your spouse around. Bob travels during the week and the 20 minutes that it took for him to get back to me seemed like 20 hours. I couldn’t breathe, I was crying, I called my mom who was home from work; I frantically called my co-worker Ronnie into my office. It was the most amazing day of my life. Fast-forward a couple of days to Thursday, November 22nd, Thanksgiving Day. Bob and I have a huge brood over for dinner, Bob has been cooking all day and we have decided today is the day to open that bottle of Dom Pérignon we’ve been saving and toast to our son. We also decide to share the name we’ve chosen. Bob graciously tries to give his toast and gets choked up on more than one occasion, which for me is a good sign because through most of this he’s been fairly stoic. I have come to learn this is truly a male thing and his feelings will more than change I guess I just didn’t realize how quickly.
Friday, the 23rd Bob, my “number crunching” husband decided to have a little freak out session about how expensive this all really was. He knew, but because I was always the proactive one, reading everything I could get my hands on and spoon feeding him the information. Now he was thrust into parent mode and the nurturing genes kicked in, now all he could think of was financially supporting this child. I’ve also learned through this process that this is not just associated with adoption but pretty much any man about to become a father. Luckily, this was only a 24-hour freak out. He was back on board and I was all set to go on a shopping spree with my mom and aunt to get a few more of the basics. We were looking at having to possibly spend up to two-weeks in NJ, so getting the play yard; car seat and stroller were a must. Monday morning, we headed to the bank to get our certified check so we could drive out to Buffalo and sign the paperwork with our agency. All of that needed to be in order before we could travel to NJ when we got the call. Just my luck I got the swing teller at the bank and she had never processed a certified check before…I told her it was okay, to take her time because this was the most important certified check she would ever process. By the time she was done the whole bank was rooting for our adoption. Bob had stayed in the truck and just as I came out with the check his cell phone rang and it was our agency. The birth mother had gone into labor over the weekend but had failed to let her agency know, in these cases it usually meant she was wavering on her decision. Sue, our caseworker told us to hang tight and they would get back to us with a final decision later in the afternoon. I called work, told them I wouldn’t be going to Buffalo but also wouldn’t be coming into work either. Bob and I drove to Steve’s Place for breakfast, I think it’s the most sober I’ve ever been while eating there. I’m amazed we ate at all. We didn’t say much to each other over our breakfast or our drive home or the three hours we waited for the phone to ring. It did eventually ring and the news was what we had expected, the birth mother had decided to parent. What came next was probably the most surprising. There were no tears, no ravings of a mad woman it was just a matter of fact, this baby was not ours, it was not meant to be. We actually handled it better than our friends and family. My mother-in-law couldn’t call us for two days because every time she picked up the phone she’d start to cry. Co-workers didn’t know what to say and friends couldn’t say enough. I belong to an online chat group for waiting and adoptive parents through our agency. This group has been my true rock, they’ve all been there and they know what we’re going through. I can say what ever is in my heart and they don’t judge. The one thing that every single adoptive parent will tell you is when you see your child, you’ll know and you’ll immediately understand why that other child was not meant to be.
We’ve moved on since then, we’ve been profiled twenty-two times, in seven different states for women who were single and married, teenagers and older. We were even profiled for twins. Each time the phone rings and it’s our agency calling I think this is the call, this one will yield our baby…so far it hasn’t but we also haven’t given up. We go about our daily routine, I’ve just taken my first vacation in over a year and Bob still hits the road each week to bring home a paycheck. I’ve hand painted jungle animals on the nursery walls and the furniture is all in place. Friends of ours just had their first son, Rory in February and I’m trying not to spoil him too much. I’ve kept myself minimally involved with Glens Falls Community Theatre and I work hard to stay ahead of things on the job. There are days we don’t discuss adoption at all and there are nights we go to bed praying that tomorrow will bring our baby home. It is a long and daunting process but I wouldn’t change any part of the journey we’ve been on to complete our family.
